When (Walter) White turns Gray (Matter Technologies) vs. The Things We Think and Do Not Say

I recently started traveling down two paths in life. 

One was reevaluating life at 51. 

Professionally and personally and doing a full inventory of all things. This included doing an inventory of physical items as well as emotional items. Getting rid of stuff that has been holding me back and cluttering my space. 

In the physical clean up, I discovered so many archival items. Note pads, cd's, letters, photos, ticket stubs. None of those were hold backs or holding me back, but memories and nostalgia of better times, friendly reminders of achievements and happy accomplishments. What I also did stumble upon was printed emails. One in particular was a frying pan to the face moment. 

It was neither nostalgia, happy moment nor achievement. 

It was exactly what has been holding me back. All for the wrong reasons. It was a reminder both in the text and in the result that I have been a misguided optimist.  A optimist who wore his heart on his sleeve. A person. who believed in people too much and believed in karma and doing good, gets you good in return. I still believe this 100%. I was just very wrong in this instance. It has been the Achilles heal for my last 18 years. 

What I realized here was that I have been stuck in the 4th stage of the 5 stages of grief for a long ass time. With nobody to blame for this but myself. I am a believer. A believer in friendship, trust and loyalty. The only problem was I realized that I placed these sets of core values for myself and have followed them. But, what I learned (and teach to others) is that we only control ourselves. What others do, is out of our hands no matter how they present themselves to us. 

The 5 stages of Grief starts with Denial, followed by Anger, Bargaining, Depression and ending with Acceptance. Like I mentioned, I have need stuck in stage 4, depression, for 18 years with stage One and Three popping in and out throughout. Now this also has been my fault as I, much like a fool in love, have returned over and over to the source of this grief many times. Why? because I believed that based on my relationship, this reciprocal assumption on my part would, one day, come to fruition A groundhog day of bargaining, followed by anger and denial that I got fooled again. 

Let me take you back to where this started (all names are deleted to not give attention to the individuals, because it's not about them). Its about me and what I (i'm sure as well. as anyone reading this), has fallen victim of at some point in their professional career and/or their personal life. 

It started in the height of my professional career.  I felt (and believed) there was a way to do the job, while remaining a "good" and trustworthy person. To find your tribe, and mentally build a community to be the "saviors" of what had really been a business that left many carcasses left to decompose after their time was up or reached its maximum potential. I believed that there would always be a way to exploit a situation to keep the train running, even when it lost its shine.

I quickly found many people like this (and many to this day are still my best friends). The community was forming little by little. We helped each other and did it while still being ethical to our jobs. Those formative years of relationship building and trust were fun. We all looked at situations, learned from them, would note what could have been different and how the system could be manipulated to be more advantageous for artists. We were building this "good guys" brand, while never ruffling any feathers. We weren't out to make enemies, just build the idea as a "safe place for artists”. 

At this point in the music business, unlike today, if you had a job at a company, you signed off on your contract that you would not do anything that would be a conflict of interest to the job you were hired for. So if you found a songwriter, producer, artist, etc you would not manage this person(s) as the company you worked for was paying you to give your exclusivity to them as your employers. Made perfect sense to me. But that didn't mean that if I found someone, I couldn’t bring it to someone close to me to work with. No ethical violations there, just relationship and network building so perhaps at some other time, in the word of Don Corleone to Amerigo Bonasera "Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me."

 

My job was all about discovery. Discovering artists, producers, writers, people, directors... and I came across a lot and helped a lot for people to get going. Connections, networks never made for personal gain, but for goodness and seeing where those relationships go and take us all. I have to be honest. I never got a bigger thrill than when I see someone I found do well.   I have many people I know who I met as an intern,  made one introduction to get them going and they took that one connection and went all the way to the finish line and beyond from it.   None of their achievements were because of me, that was their hard work.  But, perhaps that one starting point was the caveat for the journey.  The soft tap or push that got them in the pool.  I have actually had people who are extremely successful in life come to me (in person, via email or even DM on social media) to say that something I did made the biggest impact on them. Things I did,  that I didn't even realize I did.  No better feeling in the world. I  know I have people in my life that did the same for me and I let them know it. 

So here we were, this gang of hopeless romantics going about our world with this utopian industry dream. I must say, it was a great time. So much fun and so much shared enthusiasm about the world and doing it “our way". It was my Jerry Mcguire moment and idea "Fewer Clients...Less Money...

 

I was fortunate to have been able to actually get a second chance at a company based on my discovering bands again.  I had a period where I lost my drive, but this group of merry men put the fire back in my belly. I ended up at a job where I could find bands again and do what i loved while getting paid for it. 

During this time, I signed my contract and respected the rules. I was employed by these guys who believed in me and gave me a shot. So I was there for them first and foremost. 

I started finding various artists and discovering a scene that was underground.  Stuff that (at the time) didn't really fit my companies strengths or the mainstream yet.   But,   also were green and new to where they needed direction. I was able to use my job to go see these acts, build  relationships with them and explore this new musical genre as part of my job. But seeing the infancy of it and not being ready for prime time (yet), the way I felt i could help them was by building a trust and vision to help them by bringing them to people I trusted with my own children. Plus, I could be a part of it without ever violating my terms and conditions as being an employee. 

I brought them to my friends who were building a company. The bands knew and trusted me and I found my discovering and bringing to a company as a way to do two things. 1. Get them with the best, like minded people I could find and 2. build myself a roster of artists that if/when I left my company job, could easily segue into a management role with artists I developed with people who's vision I believed in. 

Foolishly, I believe in peoples word. Word is bond. Spit on your hand and shake.

 

With business, being business... My affiliation was addressed and discussed. I had a job that I was loyal to, so I opted out of payments (except for one) and agreed to put all my percentages back into the developing company as an investment into "Someday, that may never come..."

This leads me to the discovered printed email that hit me hard. It was all there. everything that had been holding me back. This written reminder of what had me holding on, hoping for the last 18 years for some sort of ROI. It was the reminder that, like most things in life, if I believe in something, I go all in.   In this case... I had a job. I was able to sacrifice money for the better good. A trait that I continue to believe in. if i believe in an artist, i do the work and differ any payments until there is money to be made. If you aren't making money, i'm not making money... But when this goes, we are all in it. 

I invested in this vision and over mergers and redundancies as part of these mergers, lost my job eventually.  This would have been my investment/segue moment.  Unfortunately for me,  due to reasons that at the company I was investing in (depending on who revisits them) were (to me) unethical, my calling out of the situation and being completely "Pablo" / honest... I actually successfully dug my own grave, put myself in it and filled the hole from the inside while still breathing. 

I didn't see that coming. As I said to my former partners "This isn't who we are"... I couldn't have been more wrong.   In fact,  it wasn't who "I" was... but was very much who "they" were behind closed doors. 

This Jerry McGuire moment not only was between me and my former partners, but this act of aggressive confrontation and attack on a genuinely good and very liked person put a huge scarlet letter on me permanently.

 

So this very moment was stage one... Denial. 

There was no way this was happening. I remember telling my other friend who was in the middle of what should have been a fair and easy divorce, based on our “code" at the time, I repeatedly told him, "Don't worry...they will do the right thing".  I swore it.  I thought I could be a diplomatic mediator in the situation. 

I was wrong and in this situation, my confidence that this was true, I encouraged not going old school and getting legal about it.  Remember, we did spit hand shake agreements, so no paper.  This advice haunts me to this day. My instincts were wrong and they were never wrong about people. Denial was on overload. 

Stage two followed. Anger.  

I was angry. I was angry at my friends and I was angry at myself. This couldn't be happening (denial) and how stupid that I didn't see it. What does this mean for me? Why did I put so much into this. This will correct itself (denial), I can't believe this greed and some weird spite is overtaking our mission (anger). 

Stage 3 soon followed. Bargaining. 

You got to do the right thing. Let's fix this. That didn't go far. so back to denial and anger. I think bargaining was the shortest stage. 

With Stage one and two possessing me and my brain. I shot off an emotional email and put it all into words. No punches held. I felt we knew each other well enough beyond business and tapped into friendship. Huge mistake. As a fan of The Godfather. I forgot the most important rule. This is business...not personal.

 

After this Stage 4 began.  Depression. 

This has possessed me or the last 18 years. 

I hold zero bad feelings about my former partners. They are actually people I still to this day consider my very good friends as people. Great people honestly. Great to reminisce about music and people. But, I thought that friendship would also put me on the radar to help me professionally, yet it never has and the history of the building of the company was rewritten with different former walk on actor, now in the a starring role. 

One thing I would like to make clear... i have never done/helped anyone with the intent that they would pay me back. I believe in the you eventually get back what you give, so never do things for payback.

I was told by so many people, that I was being stupid and that these friends were not friends and took advantage of me and my contributions and kindness, but I continued to tap into Denial. I believe in people and goodness. Then when I would go to them for any kind of help, I would bet hypnotized into the charisma and get that old feeling again that we once had though the very well placed nostalgia into our discussions to only come up with nothing again, which would take me right back to stage 2. 

Why am i airing all this? It's not to call anyone out, nor to validate myself. 

Its to release what has been in my head for 18 years and mentally holding me back. Quite honestly, people closest to me are sick of it and I don't have health insurance, so can't talk to a therapist. So congratulations... you are the winner of this unwanted (and unasked for) written decompression. 

Well that's the 2nd Path I'm currently on… 

Cleaning out the negative. I have wasted so much time and space on negative energy that cluttered my mental space to move forward. 

I have finally reached Stage 5. Acceptance. 

All this time, I wasn't even aware that this was what I was going through. I have been very depressed, but now it makes sense. I wasn't letting go of this disappointment and letting go of the idea that someone will help me. Instead of moving forward and going at something 100%, I would always begin the motions. I would then pause, call people I thought would help me and wait and go from Stage 3, bargaining, to stage one denial to stage two, anger to stage four depression. This cycle would produce nothing but toxic disappointment. I would spend hours, days, months wondering what I did that made these people not want to help me "after all i did"... wasteful time and energy. Self pity is very unattractive. 

So this post is to remove this wet suit that kept me from swimming and weighing me down to exhaustion and almost drowning. 

I am now ready to receive. I'm ready to trust myself again. I don't need to seek validation, approval or acceptance from my past anymore and take full responsibility. I actually forgive those who disappointed me. I hold on to them and value them because outside of the pain that came from that situation and in turn my never ending (until now) disappointment, we have had great times and great laughs. I send nothing but positive thoughts and continued success to them and unconditional love. 

I don’t know what is in store for me moving forward. I don't know when things will happen, but I have to be patient. I have to believe in myself and prioritize the things I can have a sense of control in. I know that my time isn't done and by clearing this space that has been occupied with this murky, cloudy and never ending mix of the grief stages I can use that to fill with forward moving with excitement and purpose. 

I know there are a lot of you that are in the same place. Our situations have been different, but the feeling and the attachment and difficulty in letting go has been time consuming. We can't count on anyone but ourselves to create happiness and move forward. Without that inner peace and inner love, how are we expected to be a good partner, employee, friend to anyone else. I will continue to help those who ask or who need it. I will continue to do it with no intentions for payback or a favor to be repaid eventually. I will work on the mental, physical and spiritual aspects to manifest and create the things in life that my heart desires by removing mental and emotional blocks so I can move forward and do my best to achieve confidence and reconnect with myself, making it a better place for myself and those around me. 

Life is what you make of it. It's never too late to start.

When you've got so much to say it's called gratitude ... And that's right

I teach some music business classes at a couple schools. The one thing I envy the most is how young and fearless that age can be. The ultimate "me" time. A time when you don't really have to worry about anyone but yourself. I remember that time well. Right out of college at 20 and ready to do whatever it takes to get a job and get something going. Failure was not an option and I had the drive and selfishness of concentrating on myself to make it work. I knew it was going to take a lot of time, a lot of getting it right and a whole lot of getting it wrong, but working and learning from the ups and downs of whatever it was I was going to do. That kind of drive still exists in some of the kids I teach, but not as frequent. They want it too fast, don't really want to work for it too hard. Waiting for someone to get it or do it for them. Not all, but a lot of them. As a matter of fact, one of my classes, we discussed internships and I emphasized how important they were. Being in the environment even if you are answering phones, getting lunch, or picking up dry cleaning. Who cares. Rite of passage. While, many seemed to get what I was saying, i'm pretty sure the majority couldn't last a day without complaining and bailing.

Yesterday, I grabbed a box in a closet just to see what was in it. I knew it was photographs, and its always an adventure to see something from the past. In that box was a letter from CBS Records, from October 20, 1990. It was one of the 58 rejection letters I got when I got out of college and applied to every single department at every single label in New York. I was desperate to get an entry level job in the music business. I knew no one and my resume was absolutely horrible. I think it mentioned I was MD of my college radio station, I worked in a liquor store and graduated with a BA in Communications. oh...and I speak Spanish.

Basically, every single letter was nice and said something like "Thank you for your interest in (insert label here). Unfortunately, we have no positions open, but will keep your resume on file in case something opens up", which basically meant thanks, we will now shred this horrible resume. But those were the HR replies, and I appreciated them (and kept them) because they were typed and actually signed by someone, so it didn't feel like it was a general form letter. I applied to every single department hoping to get past the guards.

I think I got about 50+ of these letter all around the same time in October 1990. But I kept at it. At the time, I was living with my brother in the apartment that we grew up in. Our parents had moved out of the country after I graduated High School for work, so we were able to live there with roommates to cover the $865.00 rent for a 2 bedroom on the 23rd floor on the east river, with a view of the Empire State Building and the manhattan skyline and the World Trade Center from the bedroom window. You never know what you got until its gone, huh? Anyway, I was working in Times Square at RKO Video renting movies to people while wearing an usher's vest and yellow clip on tie. I was not lazy in the least bit. Was earning my way since the age of 12 when I started a paper route all the way through High School and worked at a liquor store on weekends while at college. The drive is what has kept me alive all these years. Its called a "hustle" these days, but to me it was working to make a living. So with the flood of rejection letters, I was getting ready for my second stage of resume mailing when I got a random call from Columbia Records Promotion Department.

The call was from Delores Prezioso. She worked for the head of the promotion department and she had received my resume. At that time, the department was looking for someone to come in and basically do anything and everything for the department that was a staff of about 20 people. They usually had interns, but interns were tough to train based on hours and commitment, so they had put together a budget to hire someone. The job was a "Per Dium" position. So not on staff technically, no benefits and paid by the hour. The salary was still being figured out, but it was going to be between $5.00 and $8.00 and hour. But there would be overtime. After telling me, she asked if I was still interested. I said yes and we arranged a time for me to interview in person.

In the box of photos I was looking at earlier, inside the same envelope with the CBS Records rejection letter, was the piece of paper, an old Citibank envelope in red marker with Delores' name, the address and time for my meeting. 30 years later, here was the paper from the moment that changed my life.

The day of my interview, I got dressed, I actually wore a suit, I think... and went over to Black Rock. I honestly remember it like it was yesterday. Checked in, went up the elevator to the 12th floor, told the receptionist (Anne) that I was there to see Dolores. Sat down and waiting for someone to come get me. Dolores greeted me with a kind greeting and the best new york accent and NY vibe that I was immediately comfortable. I went back to her office int he bullpen that made up Columbia Records Promotion department. I was obviously overdressed and that I recall made me super uncomfortable. Dolores sat with me and her friend and executive assistant to the Rock Department, Cathy Thiele came and they asked me some questions, asked if I could manage on the salary and actually told me I was overqualified. Why? I asked, and the response was, "You graduated college"... it wasn't an academic position obviously. I honestly didn't care. I just wanted in. I was very lucky to get the job right then and there. I started my job on October 29th, 1990.

I got my first music business job. $8.00 an hour, no benefits, but I worked my ass off. Got in early, late to leave just so I could learn and get overtime to be able to pay my half of the rent. I never complained and loved working. I worked in the same area of some of the best in radio. My boss Burt Baumgartner, Jerry Blair, Jerry Lembo, Paul Rappaport, Jim "Rocky" Delbalzo, Lisa Wolfe to name a few, plus all the support staff, Dolores, Cathy, Jenni, Pam, Scott...just a great way to work in. The one lesson I learned was to just do what you are asked. Who was I? You had to earn it. The best part of my job was actually doing BDS distribution on Monday and Soundscan on Wednesday. The reason for this was because I had all these printouts I made that needed to go to every single department and every executive in said department. It was my way to meet new people and get to know other departments and what they did. I got to know every head of a department as well as the rest of them. You can't learn that shit in a text book. Networking, relationships, etc. These people are the ones that cheer you on later as you start to move up. They were never too busy to answer a question. Some great people for sure. Some are still friends today. Steve Tipp, who was the head of Alternative Radio, Kevin Gore was running Jazz, Nick Cucci was doing marketing, Brigette Roy was in Metal, the list goes on, I think the majority of my Facebook friends are either from High School or Columbia Records.

I tell this story to my classes, because I always want them to understand what it takes to get your foot in the door. Learn from my experience. Learn how, these opportunities, while some of the tasks suck. Who the fuck are you? Make your bones. Entitlement is a very ugly character trait.

From this position, relationships and hard work and humility, I was able to move forward and create a career for myself. Create a resume, put some numbers up and build a reputation. One thing though, was I always was interested in learning more. Moving to publishing, licensing, management, touring, merchandise whatever there was, I wanted to learn it so that if I ever needed it, I could do it myself (and I have to this day).

Finding that original note that lead to my last 30 year career was bittersweet. Where I am at at this point in my life is very reflective of where I was then. Hungry, not ready to give up and open to all possibilites. Not limiting myself to what I had done or was known for. The difference is at 50, you can't live selfishly. Many of us have responsibilities beyond ourselves. We aren't able to live off of $8.00 with overtime. Instead of having a resume that is blank, resumes are stacked with experience and success. But, now that seems to have become an undesirable asset.

When I look at my parents, they worked to provide, enjoy life and have a plan for the later years. Retirement, having a legacy to pass on to their kids, equity to support their families when the clock runs out.

From talking to many of my friends, I'm not alone when we look back with joy and look forward with fear. I never lived beyond my means, but did enjoy life while earning a good salary. I have not worked for a company to be able to contribute to my 401K for over a decade, so when looking at assets and legacy, it's pretty alarming. But, in the same spirit I had since the age of 12, I work hard to take care of shit. I am so fortunate to be able to make it work. I see all these young "up and comers" and it saddens me to see how they live for the now. I think they all think it will go on forever. I think if there is one thing I can do, is try and mentor these talented younger individuals to think long term. The sad part is, many don't want to. I see the lists that come out of the 30 under 30 where usually only 30% of those make it to the 40 under 40 lists. There aren't any 50 under 50 lists, because I don't think they could find 50 people over 50 that are still relevant...maybe 20 or 30.

When I was coming up, I looked at the careers of those I aspired to be and they were my age today and still going. I didn't see 40 becoming the standard expiration date. Maybe it was my own fault. Not looking to point the finger at anyone, blame anyone, i'm in control of what I can do for myself.

What I will ask of hiring managers and HR, please stop looking at a good resume and saying i'm overqualified (after the math is done and see how old I am). Nobody is overqualified when they want to work. Overenthusiastic, maybe. But that should be an asset. The new rejection email has lost its gravitas from when you got it in the mail. At least back then, someone had to type it out and you knew someone actually did the work of letting you down easy vs the automated rejection in a form letter that comes to you once not enough key words were picked out of your resume for consideration.

I'm so grateful for who I am, where I am... am I ready to quit and call it a day. Fuck no. So, I'll keep doing my thing, helping those I can help and keep on trying to make my kids proud. And I'll never forget that phone call I got from Dolores in October of 1990 that set me up for the next 30 years.

For the young achievers... fuck man... get out there, take some risks, lose a couple, get yelled at, pick up dry cleaning. Trust me. It will all pay off down the line. Learn what you want to be and learn what you never want to be. Sometimes the worst bosses are the best ones, because you figure out what you won't ever do to people. Live with your parents, live with 5 roommates, do overtime even if it doesn't pay. You ain't shit yet... but you will be soon. Soon you will have your own Dolores make that call to you that will start your career.

I hope over the years, I can be remembered as someone who made that call to them.

Ring, ring...Pick It Up

This Friday, April 26th, a music documentary called Pick It Up: Ska of the 90's will premier at the Newport Beach Film Festival. Just a day before the 2nd Back To The Beach Festival in Huntington Beach.

This film started being made over a year ago, i caught wind about it from seeing the Kickstarter promo that they made to raise money for. It was totally a story that i identified with both musically and professionally. I remember doing an initial reach out to see if I could be of any assistance. From there, I met Taylor Morden, who is both a producer and director of the film. One of the most focused and creative people I have met in a long time (he's already finishing up another documentary about the Last Blockbuster). Anyway, Taylor hit me up about my offer, and asked if I could help in the world of clearing music for the film. Being that I have worked in publishing, know the world and know people (many of the bands, managers involved), i figured, yes...i can do that for you.

The film and my task looked as something that I could tackle with a little more ease because of the amount of cooperation and excitement to participate they had already filmed. Pretty much every single band was represented in the film with on camera interviews. Some major guys were missing, like Dicky from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, but you had Tom Dumont from No Doubt, Tim Armstrong from Rancid/Operation Ivy, John Feldmann from Goldfinger, Aaron Barrett from Reel Bg Fish, Chris DeMakes from Less Than Jake, Karina Denike from Dance Hall Crashers, Alex Desert and Greg Lee from Hepcat...I think you see what i mean.

So with this kind of participation, i felt I would have a better chance at getting to the people in charge of licensing on both master and publishing sides by having the bands wanting their music in the film.

Full disclosure. I sucked. Not one song. Not one good experience with publishers and/or labels. Not the indies, they were great. The majors.

This experience was something that i felt deserved a long rant. So here it is.

I have worked in the music industry for over 2 decades. I have worked as publisher, a music supervisor, and a&r person at major labels, a manager, a licensor, basically every single area. Not in the "i kinda know that", but in the i did all that and know it all very well from experience. I can read a deal, i can comment on one, i can negotiate. The majority of my past decade has been working with what people would consider "legacy" acts. When i was growing up, Journey was a legacy act. Today, it's a band that can still tour, still find an audience and still matter, but are less than 10 years old (as a band). What makes them "legacy" is that they had a deal and then they didn't. They had a budget and major label partnership and then they didn't. But, mot of them never stopped playing or recording new material.

Pretty much what this entire documentary is about.

Let me start by doing a brief look back on this scene (like I said, what the film details). It's a short lived revival, the "3rd wave" of ska. The wave was there as far back as the 80's, but it wasn't until the 90's that there was a brief window opening of entering the pop culture and financial gain to the bands and those invested in them. As mentioned in the film, it didn't last long, in commercial success, but it had a commercial moment.

It's never gonna work out
Quite the way that they plan
Their little greasy games
They'll drop you just as son as they can pick you up
It might be fun for a while
What happenes tomorrow?
I don't want to be no queen for a day

As the music business goes, when one pops, the immediate order is "get me one of those"... The ska moment was mostly seen in the success of Rancid, Mighty Might Bosstones, Sublime and No Doubt. MTV was playing them, alternative radio was playing it, TV shows and movies were syncing them. There was money to be had. If that never happened commercially, these bands would still be out there doing it, just not at that level. So with success comes money. None of those bands were signed for lots of money. i'm pretty sure the deals were shit. But, they were signed. Not because the bands weren't awesome, but because who in the world thought a ska band would become commercially successful?

Publishers saw the opportunity and came for the bands as well. This. The publishing deals based on the success of the bands, was the one place where bands were able to see some sort of financial potential, because those record deals were shit. So many of the bands signed deals with major publishing companies and made some good investment money. Can't hate on that. Publishers, like labels thought they had a really good shot at making some great money (some did), but like anything there is no guarantee. But the a&r people both at labels and publishing companies totally believed in these signings and worked their asses off for these bands (I know because I was one of them and knew pretty much all the other ones doing it).

That was 20 years ago. Around 2000, you could pretty much call it a day. No Doubt were a pop band with influences from reggae and ska and every other band was pretty much dropped to make room for the next thing. Nothing is forever. Well nothing except master ownership and an unrecouped balance.

The bands either broke up and the rest of the bands kept going. Some signing to smaller labels, some going DIY, some starting their own labels. But moving forward, the recordings and the songs they wrote that made them popular, they lost control over the use of those songs. and as time moved on, most of the a&r and marketing people that were the bands biggest champions moved on. So like any relations hip, over time, the people that once lived in the building you grew up in, moved out and new people moved in with no memory of your ever living there.

Also, remember, when a band is dropped. The label usually sells off the inventory of what they have left, so there is no additional promotion or product being released, which means that recoupment of monies owed is pretty much guaranteed not to ever happen. So, even if you have a 7 year reversion of your songs set in a publishing deal, if you are dropped and promotion is over and physical product is terminated, good luck in recouoping in what you owe in order to get that reversion happening.

That's where my experience working on this film comes in.

There was a film that came out last year that I loved called Turn It Around: The Story of East Bay Punk. It was an indie film about the East Bay Punk Rock scene and the bands and artists that came out of it. It was actually produced by Billie Joe Armstrong and Tim Armstrong who are both pioneers and legends from that scene and still tot his day acknowledge it. This film for both myself and Taylor was a blueprint for music clearance. That film, much like this one, was not strong in the budget, but also included interviews and footage of bands and without their songs, would be hard to truly be appreciated historically in context. Every single band on camera interviewed contributed their music to make this film work. The one thing though about these songs and bands was that very few were signed to major labels or major publishing companies, so they had a better shot at clearing the songs as sole owners of the masters and publishing. But there were some that needed clearing and the bands cleared them by calling the labels themselves. Which basically means, they are still signed and know someone there to help them out.

I pulled all the requested songs and publishing information for songs like "Sell Out", "All My Best Friends Are Metalheads", "Date Rape", etc and made calls to the licensing departments. Funny enough, most were Universal. Mergers man. So when I got in touch with whomever I spoke to, (i'm pretty sure this was the 1st time anyone requested these songs in a while), they had to look up the song and see what it was. That was my first red flag. Nothing against the licensing department at all, the red flag being that the band and song in question was a "catalog" number and I knew right there the quote was going to be a standard rate from a sheet. It was. A song like "Date Rape" was easily going to be $40,000 just for the publishing, which would mean the master would match that. $80K for about 20 seconds of use of a song (for historical context) in a documentary who's total budget was $64k. Fortunately, there were so many other bands in the film that were 100% indie, owned their publishing and master and gave permission to the film to use gratis. As an added bonus, one of the other producers, Rei Mastrogiovanni, was not only editing the film, but is also a musician who was able to create original music to fill the spots that we couldn't get the actual songs for. But, it still wasn't the same as the originals in context of historical nature.

I think you see where i'm going with this.

Back in the old days, when there was an a&r or marketing rep that actively worked with these bands was around, I could easily call that person, tell them what I'm working on, see if there was a way to work with them or any alternate solutions and we could work something out. But we are talking 20 years later. New team, new players.

I spoke to some of the bands and some of the bands representation to see if they could help from their side. The influence of an artist and/or manager, still carries weight. Only to find out that these managers and artists pretty much have relationships with the people in accounting. So those outreaches (for the most part) were dead ends. I pretty much figured we have zero leverage. A lot of times, anytime you are looking for something, you need a name drop to try and get the ball rolling. You ask someone for something , they usually ask, who else is doing it...

I got a call from Taylor after feeling defeated saying that Tim Armstrong not only offered to narrate the film, but he also said we could use both Time Bomb by Rancid and Sound System from Operation Ivy gratis in the film as long as this gratis use would by Most Favored Nations with any other band in the film. Now I felt like I had my carrot on the stick to get people to see that there was credibility in this subject matter.

At this point, I called people I have known for years and came up with. They are now presidents and CEO's of companies, but are still amazing people in my world. People I can always count on when I go to them. So i did just that. Went to the top, made my pitch, asked for help and was granted assistance. Fast assistance actually. I thought i had a shot. it was looking good. spoke to one person, then spoke to another person, then got sent to the licensing person....who was the same person i spoke to in my previously. I swear to god, if you ever saw Spinal Tap, there is a scene where they are backstage in Cleveland and the backstage is so big, they get lost getting to the stage. They run into a custodian who directs them how to get to stage, they take off, stoked, and end up back with the custodian.

This was me trying to get a license by using my contacts. While appreciated and so generous for the assistance, the result took me right back to where i started.

I even reached out to the head of a company that only got there because of this ska scene. The band I hit him about was a band he used to go on the road with when they ere playing small venues. Serious salad days stuff. Reached out specifically for help to use 15 seconds of an instrumental for historical purpose in the interview. He replied pretty fast, sent me to one person, who sent me to another person and guess where i ended up again? yep. Cleveland.

Taylor and I spoke after this horrible experience and he and Rei came up with a way to make it work based on what they could use under Fair Use laws and the tracks provided by the bands who owned their own material and the original music Rei composed. It actually came out great and works amazingly well, because the story is what these artists discuss and not just the songs.

But, what this did do for me was make me realize how broken the system is. I can honestly say, i'm on the fence 100% about sync and master uses in film, TV, videogames, etc. this is honestly a place where artists should see some income or work towards recouping whatever gross amount of money they owe from a deal they did 20 years ago. Some are recouped because of the efforts of the labels and publishers where they were signed. No Doubt and Mighty Mighty Bosstones did amazingly well.

But there are a bunch of these bands that are still doing it and working just as hard to make a living. A placement in a film like this for a band could only help their viability, touring numbers, anything, but when you become a catalog and a ISRC code and have no say in what happens with your recordings or songs, there is a problem.

There should be a scale based on usage that is looked at. As a manager of a band that owns their own publishing and some masters, when Lipton Tea hit me up about a license, i was not going to go small. I know they have a budget. The song was going to be background. It wasn't going tot do anything for our legacy or sell records. It was purely a fuck you, pay me moment and it was. We appreciated it and love Lipton for it. It wasn't a negotiation, they offered, we worked with the offer, band made money. Thank you, come again. But there is also an upcoming documentary that will use the bands music. It IS historical. It WILL help our legacy and WILL get new fans while being nostalgic for the old ones. This film won't have any money like Lipton. There is no question, they will have full permission to use it. If the band was signed to a major with their publishing, knowing this film was being made, I would go right into whomever i needed to and would fight for the permission to use it.

In the case of a film of this size, obviously the budget isn't the same as a major film, tv show or commercial. I am 100% sympathetic to the question and statement that if you have a budget for film and editing, you should have a budget for music. We did. It was a little more than 1/3 of the budget. Taylor filmed, directed the majority of it, Rei edited and composed music. They hired animators, colorists, etc... yes costs. But as I said, the music budget was there, it just wasn't huge, but you hope that bands have influence on the master owners to work with them at their request. I think there is a place for negotiation and observance of the situation. These labels and publishers have forgotten about these acts and these songs. These artists are still doing it for the most part. Finding a new audience while engaging the nostalgia only helps these bands in their touring, merchandise, etc. It sure doesn't help on their sales or royalties, because they aren't getting equal shares on streaming. The majors are and will make any revenue from this film if there is any uptick in streaming. So, I'm absolutely simpatico to the "but this editor got paid or the animator did"...I agree, but we had money budgeted. The music in and artists in this film are main characters and locations, not background uses. A film sync is typically a background use with very little career advancing potential. A documentary about these bands and artists, featuring these artists is.

I get that these bands are catalog and pretty much nobody knows them at the companies, so why be a dick and not allow the usage. Most likely, the 1st request for use in 20 years or ever. The companies don't want to deal with these little things, because they don't matter. But thats where the problem is... they don't matter because they don't make a dent in the bottom line. But they are a huge deal to the artists behind them.

I totally understand that nothing is free. Everything costs something, but in this particular situation, it was a one sheet request, with MFN terms, the negotiation was yes or no. If the companies needed us to pay administration costs to countersign to fully execute and scan the agreement, we were willing to pay $500.00 for the admin costs. Warner Chappell made a killing for that with "Happy Birthday" for decades. and to be fair, some of these companies offered festival licenses and step deals, but i had explained that we were working off of the agreement with Rancid for (what arguably could be one of the biggest commercial records of that genre) for "Time Bomb" that was for all media moving forward. With a full budget of $25,000 the fee alone for festivals would allow 5 songs for both sides (master/publishing). So better to keep the song that was recognizable than 15 seconds of an instrumental that wouldn't be outside of context.

This whole thing made me really sad for artists locked in deals and made it clearer to me that ownership is everything. I know, that's pretty obvious, but its also something that we forget in the moment. All these bands were in the moment not knowing of the ramifications of the deals they were entering. we all know with signing a deal, there is 99% chance of failure, but musicians are the optimists we all look to for happiness in our lives. they are the creators. Just sucks when your creation is no longer yours after you sign on the X.

So, what's the answer? For future artists, technology and DIY is at your fingertips. You can own your stuff until you don't want to. Success can be what you make it. I think you all have a shot.

For old timers, locked into shitty time shares? Look to the law. Look for the loop holes. The copyright act of 1976 had a bunch of stuff in it that people forgot about*. A lot of it because it didn't matter, because the situations weren't going to take place for 35 years from the time the laws were written.

Record Company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be all right


Back to the movie. I think films like this are great. When I was 12, I saw the film Dance Craze at the St. Marks Theatre. It was a midnight screening. Same place i saw movies like DOA and Quadrophenia. We used to actually wait until midnight to see a movie. It was an event. Like a concert. But, these movies helped shape all the kids from all the schools in NY. When Dance Craze played, people were literally dancing in their seats. I'm pretty positive at least 5 bands started after that too. Midnight movies were only one night, so being there impacted you. The next day, you went out to buy albums by the bands, t shirts, go to the concerts when they came around, and started your own bands.

The hopes with this movie is that it will do the same thing. Wouldn't that be great? The film will hopefully get picked up by one of the streaming channels for more people to find it. We've come a long way from midnight movies and VHS bootleg tapes, which is great for these bands that were forgotten by their labels, but not their fans.

We are hopping to get a limited edition vinyl out to go with this to Kickstarter donors and maybe sell a few from the movie site. I'm hoping to do a nod to Dance Craze and make it a live LP. Not only does that pay homage, but it's also the only way to use the songs that the labels want to charge an arm and a leg for, which none of the money goes back to the bands... so keep an eye out for that. Otherwise, follow Pick It Up on their socials and they will be posting a killer soundtrack playlist.

*Look into Reclaim. It was written in there that after 35 years of a release, the artist who signed that deal in perpetuity, could reclaim the rights to their masters within a 5 year window. It's an interesting issue that nobody is really too clear on, but it's there. Music business lawyers and business affairs are staying away from it, because you open that tube of toothpaste and you can't put it back in. Reclaim of masters means you get it back. you can put it on Spotify and earn all that master money that majors are getting rich on, while paying you out on your 10%-14% deal you signed back when terms were based on packaging and distribution deductions. No packaging or distribution like the old days with digital. I'm going to leave this here, because that's a whole other conversation....

Valentines Day. The Rose no one really knows

In 1994, when I was working at Columbia Records, i signed a band from Detroit called Sponge. If you are of the 90's you would know them or at least have heard their song "Plowed" (Yes, one of Howard Stern's favorite songs). It was a great time in the business. Records were selling, expense accounts were flowing, labels were developing artists. There was room for growth. But as we know, all good things must come to an end.

But that's not what this blog is about. That's a boring "i remember back" story that old fuckers like me seem to rehash daily, like guy I knew that would always remind me how much gas cost when they were kids. Only difference of course being, when they would talk about gas, i would know what they were talking about. If I mention Sponge to anyone under 30, they look at me with zero connection or reference. Then i have to remember, most of them were born after Kurt Cobain died. Where did the time go?

Anyway, back in 1994, I also met a wonderful young lady, who happened to be the 12 year old daughter of my friend Joe, who was a guitar player in Sponge. This young lady's name was Rosalyn. Funny, smart, and just a natural star. She was like a little sister to me from the get go. She had the luxury of growing up when her dad's band was in its prime. Got to go on tour, meet bands and just live the life. She had a natural gift for music and her enthusiasm and fearlessness, made me want to help her out. This lead to my first endeavor with her. One day, she was walking around her house singing a song over and over again. This of course because something her dad would tell Vinnie, the singer of Sponge about. They wrote and song and told me about it. I told them I would pay to have them record it and we could make a 7" from it. So, just like that, "I'm A Big Girl" with the b-side being "Femme Fetal" by Velvet Underground was recorded under the name 27 Mauve. The song would be performed as an encore on tour, sometimes with Rosalyn performing it, sometimes just the band. But, it because a fan favorite and we sold out of the 7" that were sold at shows.

It was pretty much set up to be a novelty item. But, Rose got the bug and just naturally gravitated to the guitar and singing. Her heroes at this point being Nirvana and Hole. She was all about that and punk rock. I was proud. I have always loved turning people onto music and she was ripe for influence. She of course, though a lot of the stuff i was turning her on to was shit. But, she was 14 at this point. It's expected.

I always knew something would happen with her, just what and when wasn't clear. During these next couple of years, with Saint Cobain being her religion, not only was she influenced by the music, but by the demons too. Neither I nor her dad were aware of this for a long time.

In 1999/2000, I had the ultimate highlight, situation both professionally and as a music fan experience. I spent a short time (a little less than a year), managing Rancid. One of my favorite bands that I had met in 1996 while at Columbia. Long story short, I was in the beginning of the (well documented) bidding war that ended very bad for one guy. I always kept a very good relationship with them (specifically Tim) because it was never about me getting the band. It was about them getting the best situation and when it didn't pan out in my favor, it was ok and i let them know that. Because of that, 5 years later they would ask me to look after them. It really was a dream come true for me. One of the bonus of that time working with Rancid, was being with Tim on a daily basis. At that time, he was married to Brody, who was starting a band called The Distillers. They were a 3 piece and fucking awesome. But, like Rancid (who were originally a 3 piece), i could see them needing a 2nd guitar player. One day I casually asked Brody if she would consider a 2nd guitarist and she told me she was dying for one, but wanted a girl and couldn't find one. The bell in my head rang (maybe that's why i have tinnitus)and I told her about Rose. I even told her she was coming out to visit me in a week or two (she wasn't), but i wanted them to meet each other. Brody was stoked and told me to make sure to have them meet when she came. Now, I needed to call Rose and her dad to see if she was interested and ask if i could fly her out to stay with me for a couple weeks to have her meet Brody. I got "Yes" all around, booked her a ticket, had her come out. Her and Brody met, and I think i saw her maybe 2 more times over the next two weeks. The two were inseparable and just clicked. It was awesome. Rosalyn, was now in The Distillers and recording and touring. She was 16 turning 17.

The next couple of years, i didn't see her, but kept tabs on her. I was always a phone call away, but she was living the rock and roll life. I still had no idea of her demons or how deep they went. After the 1st tour, she, now known as "Casper Rose" ended up moving to Berkeley and living with her then (most awesome) boyfriend Tim, who she met when he was in a band called Nerve Agents, who were also on the same label, Hellcat. I went up to visit her a couple times (i have no recollection why), but things seemed like they were not 100%. I would get calls from her dad or from her sometimes, when there was an issue that i could try and help out with, but she was a big girl. The Distillers ended up making their next album Sing, Sing Death House, where Rose actually contributed on songwriting on songs as felt like the band was going to pop. They had all the best going for them. But, Rose was a mess. Dope sick, addicted, every parents nightmare. They went on Warped Tour and she was literally out of control. She was literally the Sid Vicious of the band. Pure, real, a showman, but extremely volatile, unpredictable and dangerous to herself and to others. Fat Mike even wrote a song about her on the NOFX album War on Errorism called "Decom-Posuer" that basically was his observation of her. The bands motivation to move forward and her motivation of derail brought them to a parting. Rose left The Distillers soon after and honestly, for the public, her whereabouts became those of Big Foot. Many stories, theories, folklore.

For me and her dad, it was sad to see it happen, both of us knew her talent and how she was just self sabotaging her life. Nothing could be done. She was a dope addict with no motivation. The Distillers went on to do great. Even announcing a reunion (sans Casper Rose). It absolutely has been a "what if" for me. I don't think she ever cared as much as we did. But that was her at the time.

Over the next 10 years, with her dad being a very close friend, I would know what she was up to, where she was living, making sure she's alive. We would speak whenever she called me and I would always try and encourage her music. I promised her, anytime she had a desire to record, i would pay for it. She would "clean up", get motivated, call me, tell me about songs she wrote, send me demos. I sent her in the studio like 2 times over those years, the results would be inspiring, but usually organized confusion. But, what I did find was a voice and a natural gift. But, that gift and voice were wasted as long as she was a junkie. There is a lot of truth to the saying "Never trust a junkie". I just couldn't give up on her. We had so many start/stops of recovery, so many heartaches and conversations I would have with her dad. But he was amazing and also never gave up.

In 2012 (i think), she moved to Tallahassee, FL. She had to get out of Detroit, where she knew every junkie, thief, asshole in the world and was going to be found one day in an abandoned house shooting gallery. Her mom (xoxo Margo), was moving down there with her husband at the time and son and took Rosalyn. But, better weather doesn't take the junk out of the junkie. Junkies are like cockroaches, they live anywhere and everywhere. We started speaking again when she got down there. She really wanted to start playing again, and like I always promised, if she did, i would pay for it. We had more stop starts and she ended up meeting a good guy and having a baby.

Gia was born and I was sure this was the fix. It took a while, but through ups and downs, she made the decision and came to the realization that life wasn't going to be shit anymore. She checked herself into a rehab and remained there for a full year. While in there, she had self realizations, did yoga, worked on herself and did it for Gia. We would speak periodically, and she had a guitar and was writing songs. As always, I promised when she got out, i would pay for her to record.

She got out or rehab in 2016, she went to Detroit for Christmas and recorded 4 amazing songs that we released super DIY on an EP called Songs from Rehab. Musically, the EP is excellent. Lyrically, honest. It was a great return to the world. Not a "throw it out there", but a commitment and dedication. We set up social media accounts to slowly ease her back into the world. She was warmly received and reconnected with Brody though social media. That was a good closure, full circle for her. Both Moms now, still writing and playing. The Ep was a very quiet release, got a little press, put out a 7" with a great indie label in LA called Wink And Spit. The label owner (and artists herself) Kelsey was a Distillers fan and reached out to her through social media. We had no expectations for the release, I just wanted to encourage her songwriting and get her going and doing what she is gifted to do.

A year passed and life happens. You have kids, they take priority. She's a great mom and just such a wonderful human. She called me in August and stared sending me songs she was working on. They were all great. So, we made a plan to record again. So once again at Christmas, she went back to Detroit and recorded 3 new songs with her band which includes her dad, Joe on bass.

We just released the 1st of the 3. A song called Valentines Day. Again, a lyrically honest song with a beautiful melody and vocal performance. We made a video on her iPhone that Gia shot and I edited with my limited editing skills (DIY). The reception has been good so far. Hopefully more people discover it, because it deserves it.

Never give up. This has been what I have lived by. You believe in something or someone, stick with them. I believe in Rose. Since she was 12. I'm not looking to get rich, but what I can do is help her express herself and hope other people discover her too. I teach at a music school. I believe in passion and if there is something there. i want to be someone who at least can help them see it in themselves and maybe even move the ball forward.

Rose could have easily have given up. Shit, she actually did a few times, but she bounced back. From junkie to mom. Never lost her heart and never lost me. Her continuous hard work at keeping her life together and fueling her creativity. Building a great life with her boyfriend Thomas, his kids and the light of her life Gia, i couldn't be prouder of her.

Happy Valentines Day, Kid.

Holler If You Hear Me

It’s been a while since I have “blogged”. I don’t know why. I actually really enjoy writing and (I guess) getting thoughts out of my head. It can be dangerous to keep thoughts in your head. Plus, thoughts can park themselves in prime real estate of your brain. So, I was getting in the habit of getting those thoughts out to clear up said real estate for new ones. It’s been a while, so the real estate is losing value. Time to clean up the neighborhood.

The main thing that has been squatting in my brain has been a hard subject to talk about. Mostly, because it’s easy to sound (my least favorite term) “bitter”. But, what How I see it, it’s never been a “bitter” feeling, just a confused, disappointed and depressing question and subject.

That question is “what happened?”. What happened to me in the last 10 years? Where did the career I had worked so hard for go and how did it go away so quickly. This subject was one that over the years through reading social media posts and speaking with friends, former colleagues and just general observance I saw that this isn’t a subject and question that I alone ponder.

I also saw that it wasn’t a “music business” issue. It’s an everything one. I know that business evolves, everything does, but when I was younger, it didn’t happen this fast. Maybe it’s the new world standard. Everything is just happening prematurely. When I started in the music business, I could look at my mentors and they were the age I am now, with many years left in their long careers. Somewhere along the line, that life expectancy was cut in half. Something i wish I knew would happen before i started. I would have looked into another profession.

But it’s not just me. It’s many people. People in the world where the 401k automatically was getting fed with every paycheck stopped getting fed a decade ago. The world where insurance has become a game of hoping nothing too bad happens while putting it on hold until you have enough money to sign up again for a plan that covers more than one check up a year. A world where you are actually better off dead than alive for your kids, because the one smart thing you did was invest and make sure to pay your life insurance policy.

So back to the question of “what happened?”....

Well, everything did. For me, it was the music business began to shrink. As a creative person, you are only as good as your last hit and I always ran a marathon. I worked with artists for the long haul. But as the business started changing, the marathon winner was a dreamer. It became a sprint game. A very crowded sprint game.

So, luckily I adjusted. Before the Napster years, I was (rather painfully) removed from a job that I had done well in. Why, doesn’t matter. But, at that time, I moved coasts and wanted to dip my feet into a new pool and learn something new that I had zero understanding on. The idea was to expand my knowledge to make me a better rounded person and not one dimensional. I learned under one of the best and was grateful for that 2 year crash course. After that tenure, I was spent and needed a break. Took a sabbatical (also known as not being able to find a job) and just got back to remembering why I got into it in the first place. I listened to music and went to shows again not because I “had to”, but because I wanted to. Because of that forced head clearing and time away from the grind of it, I was able to actually enjoy it again and found myself stumbling upon many new bands, writers, scenes, etc. It was magical.

From that, I voluntarily began helping these artist meet people in the business that I still knew. I had been fortunate to where I can at least still get a call answered and a song listened to based on my reputation and relationships. Don’t know about that these days though. More in that later. Anyway, bands got signed (and did quite well), managers got new clients (and did really well) and from that, I actually got a 2nd life at a label and publishing company. I thought i was out... and they pulled me back in. This was not a curse at all, but a blessing.

I had another amazing run at my new company for 5 years. See when I took a job anywhere, i was retiring there if it was up to me. Didn’t take a job to get a job. You hired me, you got me for life. Loyal as fuck.

Also during that time(Well before you could have 10 jobs at once), being at a label meant you couldn’t do outside jobs or work outside of your contract as it was seen as a conflict of interest. Understandably so. Today, you can work as a VP for a parent label, have a label, own a publishing company and manage producers and songwriters where you sign an artist to your label that is paid for by the parent label, but the artists needs to work with your songwriters that you publish and are produced by the producers and engineers you manage. Sounds fair. But I digress...

Anyway, even though i worked for the label and publishing company, I had many developing interests in artists and ideas that weren’t ready for prime time. So, through a friends developing company, I made an arrangement that would allow me to bring in said not ready for prime time players and ghost manage them. What that meant was for every act i would bring in, I would be the silent manager and one of the people at the management company, would co-manage and be the “face”. Which was great for me. I could be involved, if there was any money to be made, i could invest it back into the management company (because i had a salary and wasn’t looking to double dip), but by investing back, I was setting up my next career should my job ever go away, while helping manage the careers of these up and comers. I never take credit, but that has been a huge mistake for me, because by being humble and letting the light shine onto others, I have gotten erased from history. If it wasn’t for other people being around at that time and seeing it first hand, and me saving all the emails and instant messages, I would actually be a ghost and/or a liar.

See, this is where you may be rolling your eyes and calling me bitter. I know... it sounds like me bitching and crying. So, why does this matter?

Well, because this was around the time when “what happened?” starts.

It starts here because this is when label mergers went into full gear. I would say around 2005. The company I was at was NY based and I was in the West Coast office (staff of 27). As the mergers started within a 2 year period, the staff went from 27, to 22, to 17 to 13 (when i was made redundant) to 9 to 7 to a logo.

When my tenure ended, I would have thought that I had a place to go, since I had invested and been a pretty important part of a roster that changed them from being a rap metal management roster (with some up and coming writers who weren’t quite there yet, but got there and boy did they... FYI... absolutely ZERO to do with me). I only claim the bands and direction as something I had to do with. But, in the last year before my redundancy, there was an “issue” that happened at the company. And from my stand point, where there might have been good cause or reason, I didn’t agree with the manner it was handled. Of course, with my stupid punk rock ethics, had to state my thoughts. Anyone that knows me (and these people were family to me) I need to speak my mind for when something doesn’t feel right ethically. In this case the handling of the situation and the financial resolution were both handled very poor and quite honestly, hurtful to witness. The company was built on being the “good guys” and the exit and restitution was not what a “good guy” would do and I said it. Only thing was, you don’t say those types of things to the most liked person in the world. But, like i said, this person was like family to me and I’m open and honest with family, just to hope they see things from another side that’s not coming from anything other than honesty. Bad move.

Long story short, there was no home for me to go to. Persona non grata. It actually took almost 5 years to start repairing that one. I think it’s pretty good now. Very sad it will never be what it was. It’s hard to find friends out here that you feel are true. But, that’s life. The company flourished and continues. I’ve heard my “involvements” pop up here and there, but they are very watered down, so I’ve almost been written out completely, but I still have a gravestone somewhere that gets some sun every once in a while.

I have never seen much of a hand raised to look out for me. Is that because my former partner knows about my pride? Who knows, but it does contribute to “what happened?”.

On the other side, the friend I stood up for, he has reinvented himself and done great on his own. But again, I professionally haven’t seen anything float my way. He's one of the most righteous and genuinely nice people I know. His friendship all these years is reward enough for me.

Now it sounds like I’m bitter again. I know. But it’s not bitter. I think in this world where survival has become harder. We all know it’s who you know. So, in this case, I know some heavy motherfuckers. So “what happened?” that knowing the biggest people out there, I’m out here wondering how to get a new client or how to reach someone i used to know on behalf of my current clients, because I “seem” to know a lot of people and “seem” to have a pretty great reputation.

I do pride myself on being someone who can make it on his own. Over time, I realized that is more of my way with dealing with people not being as open about assisting me. I have zero problem helping people. It’s actually rewarding for me to see someone succeed from any contribution I made. I’m not saying I’m better than others, but much like my realization of how to deal with feelings alone out here, my helping others rewards me and gives me hopes that somehow through karma, it’ll come back to me. Spoiler alert... it doesn’t. But if it makes you (me) feel better, that should be reward enough.

I have always said, if karma points were air miles, I could fly around the world 1st class at least 3 times. But, they aren’t. Coach it is.

So being the “make it on your own” person I have become. Since the “what happened” period started, I have looked of ways to reinvent myself. Learn something new. Be well rounded. Be a person that can do everything really well. Not kinda ok. I mean like do any task. I learned a lot by trial and error. Never scared to try something and if I wasn't able to do it, i would teach myself. That has kept me going for a long time. So in these years of figuring it out day by day, every once in a while an opportunity would come up that I would look at (now this is where many of you reading this can really relate). These opportunities (another way of saying “jobs”) would come via word or mouth, recommendation or job posting (the worst). I’m not one who looks at a job and says “eh, I can kinda do that...”, I have to look at it and say “fuck this... I can do ALL of that”. So whether it’s word or moth, recommendation or job posting, I’m gonna give it a shot. I would say I get a call 2/10 times. Job posting is all key words and apparently, if your resume has all the job qualifications they list (word for word) none of those are the actual key words to get you looked at, so you get the automated “thanks but you don’t meet the qualifications we are looking for”, even though your resume has ALL of the qualifications they listed. When it comes to word of mouth or recommendation, by the time you get in contact, 9/10 times they already have someone (in house hire), so they might schedule you an interview out of courtesy or just have an assistant “reschedule” you until they just stop rescheduling.

I have two potential “opportunities” that stood out to me. They were both jobs i was very qualified for. One I didn’t even know was a potential “opportunity” until it was brought to my attention. This one was something that would have been called a “dream job”. I went to see an old friend with an idea. Some say I’m a dreamer. I had this idea for a way to exploit a catalog in a really creative way that would both make fans happy and be a way for a new audience to discover this band. Though this idea, there could be a new “soundtrack” vs repackaging the same shit over and over. A win for the label, a win for the publishers, a win for merchandise and a huge win for the legacy. Let’s call the band... I don’t know... ok... the Ramones. If anyone knows me, I kinda like the band. So I called an old friend who was so sweet and willing to meet with me. He did not need to at all. He’s very busy and I just appreciated the courtesy. Real stand up move. Went in, told my idea, somehow the conversation steered to him wanting to expand and had been thinking about adding someone. He knew my background and while it had some of the skills, there was a lot to learn. So, I was beyond excited and have zero issues learning from the bottom up. I’m a fast learner and put me in a new environment and I’m there to soak up as much as I can. I am a great utility player. Don’t ever want to be captain, just want to be on the team and hope to help the team win. Fast forward, he has me meet with his current team as i would be working under them and learning the ropes. Again, no ego here. Just excited about the opportunity.

Meet for lunch with the two guys and I start off by saying how much I love The Ramones and how they are one of my favorite bands, to where the reply was “yeah... they are everyone’s favorite band”. I knew at that moment this was going to be a long/short lunch. The whole time there, i was just trying to break the wall and just let them get to know me. It wasn’t gonna happen. With every description of how shitty the tasks would be, i would reply with great enthusiasm. It was legitimate. After about 40 minutes, the main guy asks for the check and stands up and says “ok thanks. We’ll get back to you after the holiday”. Thanksgiving was coming up. So, he starts to walk away towards the parking lot. Exactly where i was going. That exit was not too smooth. We then get down the stairs and he abruptly says goodbye again... only to start walking in the same direction as me. It appeared we were parked next to each other. One last goodbye and finally he is rid of me. I sent a follow up email to them thanking them for their time, and email their boss saying how much I enjoyed them.

A week after Thanksgiving, I have not heard from them. So, I email with a joke saying “well, we never specified after which holiday i would hear from you, so I hope to hear from you by MLK day”. I guess that didn’t go over well. I never got a reply. The Ramones have released some great repackages of albums I have bought 3 times already.

The other job, falls into the category of word of mouth/recommendation. It was a job at a company that I have actually been praising in their business model for the 21st century. I was told of this position by a friend who actually interviewed for it, but couldn’t relocate, so suggested me (one of my best friends to this day with as many stories, if not more, than me). I went into this meeting at very high recommendation by very high level people, so at least i would be considered as a potential candidate. This job I actually fit every single qualification.

The day of the meeting, i went in, was actually there for over an hour, and answered and knew every single thing they asked and had answers to every question asked. Thai was my world. No on the job training needed. All was going well when the hiring manager (in the middle of me speaking) just stands up and says “ok. Thanks for your time. I have to go”. He walked out the door while shaking my hand and I just stood there like a person staring at the gate as the plane pulls away. I left, emailed both of the people I met with. Thanked them for their time and appreciated them taking so much time out of their day. Never heard from either again.

I found out a week later from my friend who suggested me that he had gotten an email from the main person saying they had hired someone already. The date of that email was the same day I went in to interview. I wish I could have that hour of my life back.

I have spent a lot of time just shrugging my shoulders and saying “oh well”, but oh well has become “what happened?”.... what did I do to put myself in this situation? I would get it if I was an asshole to people, kicked puppies or screwed people over, but I wasn’t, I don’t and I haven’t.

I’m not bitter, just confused. Wondering what will be next, how can I fix it, can I fix it, where will I be next year?

I’m thankful for my kids. They have nothing but hope in their eyes and their futures. That’s what makes me keep on keeping on. I love what I do. I'm fortunate that I am able to still work doing what I have done for 25 years, I still have no ego about who I am or what I do. I can meet with big wigs, i can throw out the garbage. Who gives a shit. I teach young, talented students at a university and I still work with artists that can sell out venues and sell directly to fans through social media only, i have gotten to develop young artists purely DIY and have been able to get them going, slowly growing a career. The marathon mentality. So, no complaints professionally. I just wish it was more stable.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this. So what happened? I still don't know, but you aren't alone. Stay positive.

Holler if you hear me.