When (Walter) White turns Gray (Matter Technologies) vs. The Things We Think and Do Not Say

I recently started traveling down two paths in life. 

One was reevaluating life at 51. 

Professionally and personally and doing a full inventory of all things. This included doing an inventory of physical items as well as emotional items. Getting rid of stuff that has been holding me back and cluttering my space. 

In the physical clean up, I discovered so many archival items. Note pads, cd's, letters, photos, ticket stubs. None of those were hold backs or holding me back, but memories and nostalgia of better times, friendly reminders of achievements and happy accomplishments. What I also did stumble upon was printed emails. One in particular was a frying pan to the face moment. 

It was neither nostalgia, happy moment nor achievement. 

It was exactly what has been holding me back. All for the wrong reasons. It was a reminder both in the text and in the result that I have been a misguided optimist.  A optimist who wore his heart on his sleeve. A person. who believed in people too much and believed in karma and doing good, gets you good in return. I still believe this 100%. I was just very wrong in this instance. It has been the Achilles heal for my last 18 years. 

What I realized here was that I have been stuck in the 4th stage of the 5 stages of grief for a long ass time. With nobody to blame for this but myself. I am a believer. A believer in friendship, trust and loyalty. The only problem was I realized that I placed these sets of core values for myself and have followed them. But, what I learned (and teach to others) is that we only control ourselves. What others do, is out of our hands no matter how they present themselves to us. 

The 5 stages of Grief starts with Denial, followed by Anger, Bargaining, Depression and ending with Acceptance. Like I mentioned, I have need stuck in stage 4, depression, for 18 years with stage One and Three popping in and out throughout. Now this also has been my fault as I, much like a fool in love, have returned over and over to the source of this grief many times. Why? because I believed that based on my relationship, this reciprocal assumption on my part would, one day, come to fruition A groundhog day of bargaining, followed by anger and denial that I got fooled again. 

Let me take you back to where this started (all names are deleted to not give attention to the individuals, because it's not about them). Its about me and what I (i'm sure as well. as anyone reading this), has fallen victim of at some point in their professional career and/or their personal life. 

It started in the height of my professional career.  I felt (and believed) there was a way to do the job, while remaining a "good" and trustworthy person. To find your tribe, and mentally build a community to be the "saviors" of what had really been a business that left many carcasses left to decompose after their time was up or reached its maximum potential. I believed that there would always be a way to exploit a situation to keep the train running, even when it lost its shine.

I quickly found many people like this (and many to this day are still my best friends). The community was forming little by little. We helped each other and did it while still being ethical to our jobs. Those formative years of relationship building and trust were fun. We all looked at situations, learned from them, would note what could have been different and how the system could be manipulated to be more advantageous for artists. We were building this "good guys" brand, while never ruffling any feathers. We weren't out to make enemies, just build the idea as a "safe place for artists”. 

At this point in the music business, unlike today, if you had a job at a company, you signed off on your contract that you would not do anything that would be a conflict of interest to the job you were hired for. So if you found a songwriter, producer, artist, etc you would not manage this person(s) as the company you worked for was paying you to give your exclusivity to them as your employers. Made perfect sense to me. But that didn't mean that if I found someone, I couldn’t bring it to someone close to me to work with. No ethical violations there, just relationship and network building so perhaps at some other time, in the word of Don Corleone to Amerigo Bonasera "Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me."

 

My job was all about discovery. Discovering artists, producers, writers, people, directors... and I came across a lot and helped a lot for people to get going. Connections, networks never made for personal gain, but for goodness and seeing where those relationships go and take us all. I have to be honest. I never got a bigger thrill than when I see someone I found do well.   I have many people I know who I met as an intern,  made one introduction to get them going and they took that one connection and went all the way to the finish line and beyond from it.   None of their achievements were because of me, that was their hard work.  But, perhaps that one starting point was the caveat for the journey.  The soft tap or push that got them in the pool.  I have actually had people who are extremely successful in life come to me (in person, via email or even DM on social media) to say that something I did made the biggest impact on them. Things I did,  that I didn't even realize I did.  No better feeling in the world. I  know I have people in my life that did the same for me and I let them know it. 

So here we were, this gang of hopeless romantics going about our world with this utopian industry dream. I must say, it was a great time. So much fun and so much shared enthusiasm about the world and doing it “our way". It was my Jerry Mcguire moment and idea "Fewer Clients...Less Money...

 

I was fortunate to have been able to actually get a second chance at a company based on my discovering bands again.  I had a period where I lost my drive, but this group of merry men put the fire back in my belly. I ended up at a job where I could find bands again and do what i loved while getting paid for it. 

During this time, I signed my contract and respected the rules. I was employed by these guys who believed in me and gave me a shot. So I was there for them first and foremost. 

I started finding various artists and discovering a scene that was underground.  Stuff that (at the time) didn't really fit my companies strengths or the mainstream yet.   But,   also were green and new to where they needed direction. I was able to use my job to go see these acts, build  relationships with them and explore this new musical genre as part of my job. But seeing the infancy of it and not being ready for prime time (yet), the way I felt i could help them was by building a trust and vision to help them by bringing them to people I trusted with my own children. Plus, I could be a part of it without ever violating my terms and conditions as being an employee. 

I brought them to my friends who were building a company. The bands knew and trusted me and I found my discovering and bringing to a company as a way to do two things. 1. Get them with the best, like minded people I could find and 2. build myself a roster of artists that if/when I left my company job, could easily segue into a management role with artists I developed with people who's vision I believed in. 

Foolishly, I believe in peoples word. Word is bond. Spit on your hand and shake.

 

With business, being business... My affiliation was addressed and discussed. I had a job that I was loyal to, so I opted out of payments (except for one) and agreed to put all my percentages back into the developing company as an investment into "Someday, that may never come..."

This leads me to the discovered printed email that hit me hard. It was all there. everything that had been holding me back. This written reminder of what had me holding on, hoping for the last 18 years for some sort of ROI. It was the reminder that, like most things in life, if I believe in something, I go all in.   In this case... I had a job. I was able to sacrifice money for the better good. A trait that I continue to believe in. if i believe in an artist, i do the work and differ any payments until there is money to be made. If you aren't making money, i'm not making money... But when this goes, we are all in it. 

I invested in this vision and over mergers and redundancies as part of these mergers, lost my job eventually.  This would have been my investment/segue moment.  Unfortunately for me,  due to reasons that at the company I was investing in (depending on who revisits them) were (to me) unethical, my calling out of the situation and being completely "Pablo" / honest... I actually successfully dug my own grave, put myself in it and filled the hole from the inside while still breathing. 

I didn't see that coming. As I said to my former partners "This isn't who we are"... I couldn't have been more wrong.   In fact,  it wasn't who "I" was... but was very much who "they" were behind closed doors. 

This Jerry McGuire moment not only was between me and my former partners, but this act of aggressive confrontation and attack on a genuinely good and very liked person put a huge scarlet letter on me permanently.

 

So this very moment was stage one... Denial. 

There was no way this was happening. I remember telling my other friend who was in the middle of what should have been a fair and easy divorce, based on our “code" at the time, I repeatedly told him, "Don't worry...they will do the right thing".  I swore it.  I thought I could be a diplomatic mediator in the situation. 

I was wrong and in this situation, my confidence that this was true, I encouraged not going old school and getting legal about it.  Remember, we did spit hand shake agreements, so no paper.  This advice haunts me to this day. My instincts were wrong and they were never wrong about people. Denial was on overload. 

Stage two followed. Anger.  

I was angry. I was angry at my friends and I was angry at myself. This couldn't be happening (denial) and how stupid that I didn't see it. What does this mean for me? Why did I put so much into this. This will correct itself (denial), I can't believe this greed and some weird spite is overtaking our mission (anger). 

Stage 3 soon followed. Bargaining. 

You got to do the right thing. Let's fix this. That didn't go far. so back to denial and anger. I think bargaining was the shortest stage. 

With Stage one and two possessing me and my brain. I shot off an emotional email and put it all into words. No punches held. I felt we knew each other well enough beyond business and tapped into friendship. Huge mistake. As a fan of The Godfather. I forgot the most important rule. This is business...not personal.

 

After this Stage 4 began.  Depression. 

This has possessed me or the last 18 years. 

I hold zero bad feelings about my former partners. They are actually people I still to this day consider my very good friends as people. Great people honestly. Great to reminisce about music and people. But, I thought that friendship would also put me on the radar to help me professionally, yet it never has and the history of the building of the company was rewritten with different former walk on actor, now in the a starring role. 

One thing I would like to make clear... i have never done/helped anyone with the intent that they would pay me back. I believe in the you eventually get back what you give, so never do things for payback.

I was told by so many people, that I was being stupid and that these friends were not friends and took advantage of me and my contributions and kindness, but I continued to tap into Denial. I believe in people and goodness. Then when I would go to them for any kind of help, I would bet hypnotized into the charisma and get that old feeling again that we once had though the very well placed nostalgia into our discussions to only come up with nothing again, which would take me right back to stage 2. 

Why am i airing all this? It's not to call anyone out, nor to validate myself. 

Its to release what has been in my head for 18 years and mentally holding me back. Quite honestly, people closest to me are sick of it and I don't have health insurance, so can't talk to a therapist. So congratulations... you are the winner of this unwanted (and unasked for) written decompression. 

Well that's the 2nd Path I'm currently on… 

Cleaning out the negative. I have wasted so much time and space on negative energy that cluttered my mental space to move forward. 

I have finally reached Stage 5. Acceptance. 

All this time, I wasn't even aware that this was what I was going through. I have been very depressed, but now it makes sense. I wasn't letting go of this disappointment and letting go of the idea that someone will help me. Instead of moving forward and going at something 100%, I would always begin the motions. I would then pause, call people I thought would help me and wait and go from Stage 3, bargaining, to stage one denial to stage two, anger to stage four depression. This cycle would produce nothing but toxic disappointment. I would spend hours, days, months wondering what I did that made these people not want to help me "after all i did"... wasteful time and energy. Self pity is very unattractive. 

So this post is to remove this wet suit that kept me from swimming and weighing me down to exhaustion and almost drowning. 

I am now ready to receive. I'm ready to trust myself again. I don't need to seek validation, approval or acceptance from my past anymore and take full responsibility. I actually forgive those who disappointed me. I hold on to them and value them because outside of the pain that came from that situation and in turn my never ending (until now) disappointment, we have had great times and great laughs. I send nothing but positive thoughts and continued success to them and unconditional love. 

I don’t know what is in store for me moving forward. I don't know when things will happen, but I have to be patient. I have to believe in myself and prioritize the things I can have a sense of control in. I know that my time isn't done and by clearing this space that has been occupied with this murky, cloudy and never ending mix of the grief stages I can use that to fill with forward moving with excitement and purpose. 

I know there are a lot of you that are in the same place. Our situations have been different, but the feeling and the attachment and difficulty in letting go has been time consuming. We can't count on anyone but ourselves to create happiness and move forward. Without that inner peace and inner love, how are we expected to be a good partner, employee, friend to anyone else. I will continue to help those who ask or who need it. I will continue to do it with no intentions for payback or a favor to be repaid eventually. I will work on the mental, physical and spiritual aspects to manifest and create the things in life that my heart desires by removing mental and emotional blocks so I can move forward and do my best to achieve confidence and reconnect with myself, making it a better place for myself and those around me. 

Life is what you make of it. It's never too late to start.